My first entry

I've thought about writing a blog for a while now after seeing so many out there. I almost started a journal though instead, but figured I'd do something online, so that, by chance, someone else stumbles upon it, maybe they'll get some hints or better yet, give me some insight.

I'm a 30 something mom. I work full time out of the house. I have three gorgeous children - a 17 year old, a 5 year old and a 2 year old. My oldest has clinical depression and won't take her medicine. My 5 year old has ADHD with signs of aggression, but the doctors don't want to treat it medically yet, even though we've been doing the behavior modifications for almost two years.

The reason that I'm writing today is to vent about my 17 year old. She ran away on Sunday. The police picked her up on Thursday. I turned her into Child Protective Services as she said my husband beats her so she wouldn't have to come home. CPS feel the allegations are just that, but still have to do a home study. I feel so violated. Do I clean my house so it's spotless - only to have them think we're hiding something? Do I straighten up so they realize that my home is lived in? Do I leave the clutter of toys on the floor, dust bunnies under the bed and bills on the table to let them see we're a normal family? I don't know.

We went to visit her yesterday - all she did was cry and said she didn't want to be there. I told her she has to, as I'm afraid she'll leave again. She told me that she didn't run away, that we threw her out. We told her that she needed to go to her fathers for the night and if her actions kept up, that she would have to leave once she was 18. I told her that when she called on Tuesday and I told her to come home and she said no, she ran away. I asked her why she broke into my home and took clothes and food. She said the food was her "friend" (nice friend). I reminded her that was breaking and entering and receiving stolen property and that I could have both of them charged. She still wants out of the shelter. I just want to get her some help.

I love my daughter - but does she realize it? Why is love so hard?